Been There, Done That by Laura Nethken

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Did anybody happen to catch the Pro Bowl last weekend? What a disaster. Basically, the Pro Bowl should just be done away with. There's no point anymore.

It's supposed to be a match-up of the best of the best in the league. Well, I'd assume some of those best guys are playing in the Super Bowl next weekend. And they declined the invitation of a trip to Hawaii so they don't take any chances on getting hurt before the Big Day.

I heard some other chosen players declined because they didn't want to take the chance on getting hurt and messing up next season.

And the ones who do go play like it's flag football because they don't want to take a chance on getting hurt. Sensing a theme here, are we?

And now, it's not even the AFC vs. the NFC anymore. It was Team Rice vs. Team Sanders. Jerry Rice and Neon Deion got to take turns picking players like they were back in high school gym class.

And what were they thinking with those hideous uniforms? White and gray with splotches of neon orange and yellow.

New format, new rules, new uniforms. They said Commissioner Goodell thought about canceling the game this year. I think a lot of football fans did it for him -- by changing the channel.

The Super Bowl is this weekend and I'm still trying to figure out a way both teams can lose. For my husband's sake, I have to root against Denver. He's a Browns fan and that whole Red Right 88 thing still cuts deep.

And I don't want Seattle to win its very first Super Bowl before his beloved Browns do. 

And the game itself is all wrong. First of all, having it start at 7 o'clock on a Sunday night is totally wrong.

By the time they announce all the players, introduce the special guests and take time out for an overly long and usually less than spectacular halftime show, you're in for about a five-hour football game. Assuming there aren't any injuries.

That could add another half hour to 45 minutes or more.

It's a Sunday night. If you want to host or at least attend a Super Bowl party, or even just have a few friends over for beer and chips, you're not getting to bed before 1 a.m. And you're going to look like it when you finally do drag your behind into work the next day.

If it's some kind of unbreakable law that the Super Bowl must be played on a Sunday, then why not do it like the rest of the season and have the game start at 1 p.m.?

Ideally, the game should be on Saturday. Then nobody would have to know that you look like death warmed over the day after the Super Bowl.

I actually might get my wish this year as the football Powers That Be, in all their wisdom, scheduled the Super Bowl at an outdoor stadium, in New Jersey, in February. During some of the nastiest winter weather the country has seen in decades.

We keep seeing scenes on TV of workers shoveling tons of snow off the field and out of the stands. Good luck with that.

Rumors are swirling about a Super Bowl Saturday or Super Bowl Friday.

That ought to make it good and inconvenient for the diehards who planned to actually attend the game.

There's no way I'd pay good money to sit in the stands and freeze my hind end off, sipping on my $7 beer and praying for the whole thing to be over with already.

Half the time, it's a lame game anyway. When the teams are too evenly matched, nobody gets anywhere and it looks more like a hockey score.

Or it ends up being a total blowout like the Super Bowl champions vs. the Girl Scouts. Either way, if I'm suffering through it, it's going to be in the comfort of my own home. Or at least in the comfort of somewhere indoors.

We always make sure to go to the bathroom or kitchen during the game, not the commercials.

The advertisers usually go all out and introduce a bunch of new stuff during the Super Bowl.

We make sure to record the game, too. Not so much for the game, of course, as for the commercials. Some are so awesome you just have to see them again and again. Some are so awful they never show them again, so this way we have them recorded for all posterity.

And you never know when a wardrobe malfunction may pop up.

And who knows? There may even be a couple of highlights of the game worth reliving, even for a family of Browns and Steelers fans who have no vested interest in the game other than hoping that both teams lose.

Copyright 2014 Laura Nethken

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