Chris Schillig: Don't shun the pun

Alliance Review Published:

A pun, they say, is the lowest form of humor.

Nonetheless, I like and use them whenever I can, much to the chagrin of family, friends (both of them) and students. With the advent of Twitter, I've found a whole new forum for wordplay, tweeting puns to the world at large, where they are appreciated, tolerated or reviled. Mostly reviled.

What follows are my favorite puns, shared under the hashtags #VeryPunny, #punny or some combination of the two. If you'd like to add to the collection, please do.

If you'd like to punch me in the face, please don't.

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If a man urinates off a cliff, is it then a precipice?

If all my neighbors had boat docks, so I wanted one too, would that be pier pressure?

If a photographer exits a Ford compact car, is he automatically out of Focus?

If a Goodyear employee leaves his job after 40 years but then returns, is he retired?

If it's acceptable for the author of "The Raven," would we say it's apropos?

Abhor -- a man who exercises incessantly to sculpt a perfect six-pack.

"Portent" does not equal "poor tent," unless you're an inexperienced camper.

If a king issues an order from atop a float, did he just reign on my parade?

If a woman wears a gown that reveals most of her stomach, is she the belly of the ball?

Mandate: Two guys who go together to the movies or a football game.

That turtle is only a shell of his former self.

Did you hear about the con-artist turtle? He was running a shell game.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinating? Because the P is silent. (Thanks to an AP student for this.)

If Clark Kent's boss died, would he have no supervision?

***

The following are riffs on a classic novel by William Golding about British schoolboys who revert to savagery on a tropical island:

Baker: Lord of the Pies.

Agent 007: Lord of the Spies

Sumo wrestler: Lord of the Thighs

Justin Bieber: Lord of the Sighs

Lance Armstrong: Lord of the Lies

Clotheshorse: Lord of the Ties

Airplane pilot: Lord of the Skies

Shakespearean actor: Lord of the Fies

McDonald's employee: Lord of the Fries

***

Have you met Miss Ann Thrope? She hates everybody.

Ducks at recess: Foul play.

Cowardly cats are a bunch of pussies.

The life of the Ferris wheel inventor had its ups and downs.

Student: Mr. Schillig, are you a beaver? Damn!

Chris Schillig is an Alliance area educator and journalist. Share your puns with him at chris.schillig@yahoo.com or @cschillig on Twitter.

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