WASHINGTON -- In the spirit of good will to others, even if they are politicians, here are some gift suggestions culled from the catalogues.
For Ted Cruz, the Texas tea partying maverick senator who helped orchestrate the government shutdown for which he hasn't yet given us an explanation, we suggest "Magic Morsels" from Fairytale Brownies. We would perhaps add an ingredient from the 1960s, just to see if he is human.
For John Boehner, the House speaker from Ohio who is now on the Tea Party's naughty list for backing the budget compromise even though he spent the last two years bucking his own establishment Republicans, we suggest Dean and Deluca's sweet "Coal Stocking Stuffer." Dean and Deluca notes: "It's the nicest stocking stuffer possible for those who deserve a lump or two."
Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, who "presided over" the disastrous rollout of the Affordable Care Act, to use one of the nice names for it, might find a "voice clarifying amplifier" from Hammacher Schlemmer useful. It is a digital earpiece that amplifies human speech frequencies above background noise so that spoken words are clearly audible. Perhaps the next time peons tell her a computer program is not ready for primetime, she'll hear.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Ca., who ran a tight ship when she was speaker, should receive a "fashionista Christmas tree," a prelit 5-foot (just her size) tree designed like a dressmaker's dress form also from Hammacher Schlemmer. Pelosi always looks so well put together you forget the Republicans ignore everything she says.
We think President Obama would enjoy the new Play it Again Polar Bear from Gump's in San Francisco. You ask the bear to play a song, any one of 12 Christmas carols, and he does it. Just like Obama tries to mollify whoever he is meeting with at any given moment.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, whose brash style (he hopes) will propel him to the White House in 2016, shoots from the hip so often he should have an Orvis denim long-sleeved shooter shirt which will make everyone think of Theodore Roosevelt, and not just because of girth.
Michelle Obama, the near perfect first lady, ordinarily would get a vegetable-of-the-month club subscription. But she's probably tired of that, so we are suggesting a Meatsplosion, a Big Box of Deli Meat from Zingerman's. For only $200 she'll receive pastrami, corned beef, sausage, liverwurst, applewood smoked bacon, pork spread, and salami. Yum-o.
You have to admit that Hillary Clinton, who has been first lady, senator and secretary of state, has everything. What a perfect way to make a presidential announcement! Happy holidays, pols. Isn't it nice to know we're thinking of you?
Email Ann McFeatters at firstname.lastname@example.org.
A much better idea is to kick all of the DCelite out and restart the Republic with honest citizens.